Losing is finding.

She was wondering...why do things that you thought were taken care of come back and hurt as bad as they did before? Like the pain of a broken heart. Or the shame of your past. Or the feeling that you need another person to complete you. She hated those thoughts. She didn't want them back. She knew that God was the only person she really needed in her life. She knew He made us to be with other people, but she came to a point in her relationship with Him that He was all she needed. He put some people in her life, and that was enough for her. So why did she find herself sitting around thinking about what could have been? Then she would think to herself, "C'mon! God already taught you this!" But she couldn't seem to pull herself together.
Her mind wanders. It wanders far away, to a place where she can see him standing next to her again. She can hear his voice. She can feel his hands. And that's where it ends. She pushes it away because she doesn't want to have to deal with that again. God already delivered her from who she was.

The girl who lived of the world. The one who thought love was meant to be manifested physically. The one who went too far in her relationships...especially with him. But love was supposed to be that way, wasn't it? It wasn't wrong. It was okay.
It was okay until he tore her heart out. It was okay until she realized that maybe he didn't really want HER, and maybe all he wanted was her body. So then she had to deal with that. It hurt so bad. When you love someone, and you give them all of you, it's like a brutal death when they leave you. Or when you leave them - as it was. But she had to leave him. She loved him, but she was tired of his games.

Leaving him was the death of her. She would be all alone, but she could still feel him next to her. For a split second, she could rest in his arms again. She could feel his heart beating on her back again. She could turn around and try to place her hand on his chest again, but it's then that she'd realize it was only her mind playing tricks on her. Again.

Then her insanity returned. The hopelessness that found residence in her heart seemed so long ago, but she found it crawling back. Her mind turned into a sea of swirling scenes: flashbacks; dying hopes and dreams. She'd sit alone in a corner and lay her head in between her knees. She'd lie down at night and pull the blanket over her head, sobbing herself to sleep. She'd wake up in the morning with a feeling that something was desperately wrong, then remember that it was him.

After what seemed like forever, an amazing event happened. God saved her soul. He'd dealt with her for a long time about what a terrible sinner she was, and she finally surrendered to Him. What happened after that? He changed her life. Completely.

But then Satan got a hold of her. He told her that she had not been forgiven for her sins related to him. And stupid as she thought she was, she believed him. Though at the time, she didn't quite know it was Satan. She felt so guilty. And ashamed. She struggled and struggled with it day and night. Her head would swim. She hadn't a clue what to do. She prayed and prayed and prayed. She searched for answers. Then she felt God. She heard Him saying something to her. She saw that He had put someone in her life, and this was an appointed time.

So she went to this person and asked her if she could talk to her. They talked a lot. Over and over, she would tell this girl things that she had learned in her own struggle with a similar situation. And over time, those little pieces of truth grew on her. After 5 months, she came to a point in her walk with Christ where she could finally see the light. She realized, deep in her heart, that she was clean. She was forgiven. It just took time for her to grasp that. It took time for her to forgive herself.

Through this whole situation she realized so many things. Things she'll never forget. God instilled something within her. A peace, a hope, a glimpse of His blood. He'll always forgive, but He'll never take consequences away - those are things we have to live with. They can be extremely painful, but they're our responsibility to deal with them. Her biggest consequence are the unseen scars on her soul. The memories she'll always have. The shame that burdens her at times. God cleansed her heart, but she has to live with the same body. Sometimes she'll look at herself and think, "These are the very same hands. The very same mouth. The very same body..." And she gets disgusted. But God will always carry her through. His blood was enough.

Leaving him was the death of her. Jesus was the life of her.

"So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed." - John 8:36