so it begins, and there it ends.

I knew I'd get like this eventually. It'a actually ridiculous to think about. I don't know who I think I am, but I don't like whoever it is. I feel like an alien to myself.
It's like I'm bipolar in my walk with God. I was fine last week. I was like, "I'm not going to get discouraged, not me!" And yeah. Here I am...sitting here wondering, " Is this really God's will?..."
So I prayed about it earlier. I told God how I felt. I told Him that I don't know who I am anymore, and that I am NOT happy with who I've been lately. I asked Him to show Himself to me the way He always has. When I'd need answers, I'd read the Bible and the Holy Spirit would speak to me in such a powerful way. I need that again. I didn't (and still don't) understand, if this is God's will, why dad had to to get a job where he'd have a lower salary while living in a city with a higher cost of living. And I definitely don't understand why we can't find a house or a church.
And then it hit me. Not quite like I remembered it, but it definitely hit me. His answer. His still, small voice. And I knew in my soul that this is supposed to be a growing experience for me...no matter how long I live here. God brought me here because He knew, though I've always LOVED it here, that I was going to be irritated with some things, and that I need to work on some stuff in my life (just like everyone else). And He knew that I'd have to be here, in this situation, for that to happen. I also know that by us leaving, it will bring other people to realize things in their lives as well.
So. Just like every other Christian, I'm going to have to learn to trust God more than I have before. I trust Him, but not enough. So each day, each moment, each circumstance, I'm going to have to let go of myself and give ME to the ONE who rescued me.

"Preach the gospel everywhere. If necessary, use words." - St. Francis of Assisi